Meditation and additional mini-lesson above; meditation starts at 5:14.
Confidence is a tricky topic in our culture because most of what we’ve been told about it is probably wrong. Maybe no one ever told us directly how to be confident, but we get messages from the world around us every day. And those messages are often intentionally misleading.
Often, what we are told about confidence is that we’ll have it once we lose 10 pounds. And once we shave our bodies. And then after we whiten our teeth. And, of course, once we get Botox. But really, not until we gain some muscle. And of course, everyone knows it’s not really until we land that dream job...
Maybe you can see where I’m going with this? It’s a never-ending race to the finish, but the goalposts keep moving. Even if we keep up with the trends, those trends change, and we are left feeling bad about ourselves, trying to catch up to the next thing.
Another trap people often fall into when exploring wellness and spirituality is the thinly-veiled mix of Puritanism and capitalism, which I call "lightriarchy." It’s the endless pursuit of “purity” and perfect health—where only “good vibes” are allowed. If you get sick, it’s seen as a sign that you're not spiritual enough. Essentially, it’s all a bunch of lies.
The wellness industry is a 5.6 Trillion dollar market and it’s set to hit $8.5 Trillion by 2027.
Supplements, health foods, crystals, and retreats aren’t going to give you what you’re truly seeking. Unfortunately, many of the people promoting these things are often more focused on keeping their businesses afloat than on whether these products actually help.
Confidence doesn’t ever come from outside sources. Yes, our environments impact us, and the intersections at which we live also affect our health, but this has less to do with what we buy and how we look to others and more to do with important internal shifts within ourselves.
What if I told you that true confidence actually comes from embracing and loving every single part of yourself?
Confidence doesn’t mean you never feel bad. Confidence doesn’t mean you never feel scared. Confidence doesn’t mean you are never rude to anybody.
Instead, it is about looking at the parts of yourself that feel bad, scared, or rude and seeing who they are. What are they trying to tell you? When were they created? And who are they trying to protect?
As we live and grow, we develop different parts of ourselves for different stages and experiences. Those parts serve a purpose, even if that purpose is now outdated.
From what we understand so far, these parts of ourselves never go away, but they can be cared for and transmuted. Not transmuted like we’re going to take this fear and eliminate it, making it joy or something like that—instead, transmuted into a fear that appears when it is absolutely necessary to warn you of something. A maturing of the parts, you could say.
In an ideal world, with ideal parents in an ideal society, we would have only faced challenges that were appropriate for our development. Our parents would have guided us on how to handle those situations. In that scenario, we’d naturally grow up with confidence—because we wouldn’t know anything else.
Have you heard the story of the Dalai Lama’s visit to the U.S. in the 1970s when someone asked him about self-esteem? A participant asked how to develop self-esteem, and the Dalai Lama, after going back and forth with his translator, couldn’t grasp the concept. In his culture, self-esteem wasn’t something people needed to work on—it was naturally present because their upbringing didn’t create that kind of internal conflict.
He also teaches that in Buddhism, there’s a practice of seeing every person as your mother to cultivate a sense of kindness toward them. However, he quickly realized that many people in the U.S. don’t have good relationships with their mothers and suggested that perhaps this practice might not work as well in that context.
So here we are in 2024, carrying the weight of intergenerational trauma and growing up in a society that has taught us to fight against ourselves. This inner conflict is what erodes our confidence. The different parts of ourselves not only disagree on how to move forward but often fear or even hate each other. We learned this from our caregivers and a society that constantly tells us we’re never good enough.
But you were good enough the day you were born.
The Earth chose that, and I trust in the Earth. She has a deep wisdom and is obviously much, much older than we are. Even if we cannot understand from our small, human lens, there is a perfect place for us here. The Earth knows it, even if we humans forgot (and sometimes willfully forgot).
Loving yourself and knowing that you have always tried to do what you thought was best for yourself in any moment is the first step toward confidence. Starting to build a relationship with yourself and trusting yourself will give you confidence. Owning anything that anyone ever made you feel bad for will give you confidence. Looking at who you really are and accepting that person will give you confidence.
Then that confidence turns into strength and peace—a relaxing into your special and unique life path. Finding what you truly love and what makes you come alive.
This confidence, in turn, only allows you to accept who and what is truly worthy of your time. So often, we get caught up in wondering what will please others that we tend to forget what would actually please ourselves. Of course, we feel unsettled and unhappy when we fall into this pattern.
At our core, we are social beings. We are made to help others and be in community with others. But we were never meant to put someone else’s ideas and opinions before our own—not if we have really, truly come to know who we are and what we want. And I trust that when we do that, we are more in harmony with the rhythm of the cosmos. When we drop into what we really feel, we are moved in healthy directions.
The more we place our focus on the outer world of inputs and what it has to say, we’ll always be exploited for the wounds we carry inside. We’ve all experienced being on the outside, being made fun of, even being chastised by a parent when they should have been loving. And when no one is there to teach us another way, we learn that this is who we are—someone who doesn’t belong and is ultimately flawed.
But that is so untrue!!!!!
You are such a magnificent being of life. Do you even know how your whole body works? Or what your brain does? Or how you are even you? Because I don’t!!! And while some scientists have uncovered a lot, they still don’t know either. That’s because we are insanely complex, miraculous beings, and to even exist is just absolutely wild.
To remember that, come back to yourself by just sitting and really feeling into your body. Take a few breaths without feeling like you need to go anywhere. Maybe you have never known a moment where it felt like you didn’t have to go anywhere. You can learn that now.
This practice may not give you a sense of peace at first—it may make you feel unsettled. But those unsettled feelings are always there, not from the sitting. Those same feelings are the ones that have us rushing around all the time, feeling like there’s always something else to do. When we finally sit with these feelings, they start to run their course. They will run out eventually, and they can teach us more about ourselves and what we need.
There is a beautiful, more peaceful, and satisfied world that wants to be born. But it will come through letting go of the unkind ways in which we beat ourselves up. It will come through releasing the unnecessary beliefs that our caregivers and culture handed down to us. It will come when we feel confident that the person we are is enough.
You’re not going to have everything figured out, and that’s okay. Life isn’t about constantly smiling like the curated faces we see on social media. It’s so much more complex, and that’s where the real beauty lies.
Sometimes the yearning and the sadness of missing someone is where the real juice of experience lies. Or sometimes it’s getting lost, either metaphorically or literally, which allows us to find out so much more about this fascinating world we live in. And when we’re not striving to be these flat, 2-dimensional creatures we also experience profound joy and deep bliss more than we could have ever imagined. Honestly, sometimes it feels like more than my body can handle in the best way.
Being more than what’s presented on the surface makes you more authentic, more interesting, and ultimately, more connected—to yourself and to others. True confidence comes not from perfection, but from embracing the depth and nuance of who you truly are.
What if I told you that you were already perfect? And that the work you need to do doesn’t lie in changing yourself but instead embracing yourself?
Creating an idea of who you should be based on external factors is such an injustice to yourself. It keeps you from fully experiencing the richness of your own individuality, and it distances you from the freedom that comes with self-acceptance.
When you stop chasing an image that doesn’t reflect your true self, you make space for the real you to thrive. That's where real confidence, power, and peace come from—honoring your own journey, flaws and all, and realizing that who you are is god in drag.