Last week I converged on Denver with 12,000 other people to connect around psychedelic science. Something I didn’t think I would ever say when I first entered the world of psychedelics 15 years ago. Although I had my own transformative experiences and began to study the research coming out of Johns Hopkins, when I would share my belief in the healing power of psychedelics most people would look at me like, or straight up tell me, I was crazy.
But now with the Multidisciplinary Association of Psychedelic Studies about a year away from legalizing the use of MDMA for PTSD, and many cities starting to decriminalize psychedelic substances, these experiences are becoming more and more acceptable to the greater population.
Thank goddess, in my opinion.
As a few of the presenters had mentioned during the conference, these substances are naturally occurring on every continent (besides Antarctica) and therefore are our birthright. The fact that healing has been denied to us for so long is a travesty, and it shows up in every facet of our world these days.
But that doesn’t mean that I think psychedelics are for everyone or for every ailment.
This is really important to note because our culture can often tend toward a magic bullet mentality. We're always looking for the next quick fix.
However, our current situation didn’t happen overnight and it most likely will not be healed overnight either.
To write this article, I ventured over to the Psychedelic Science website to see if I could find an intention listed for the gathering. As I do so, I am a bit concerned that there is the only mention of this being the largest-ever gathering of psychedelic enthusiasts. It was something that reeled me in, and I am grateful for following that internal impulse but there is no other intention mentioned. After having experienced the conference, it does feel evident that the main concern was making this the biggest psychedelic event ever over anything else.
Overall the entire conference was a mixed bag. It was incredible being around some of the most profound souls I have met to date, but it was also held in an energy that did not feel entirely supportive or safe.
There is so much wisdom to share with you in the coming weeks, and likely years, which I learned at this conference. There are also many missteps that I will continue to unpack and address in the work I bring to the world.
I feel really grateful to have sat in workshops with the researchers from Emory’s Center for Psychedelics and Spirituality and Cheetah House, as well as the incredible healers combining their medical background with indigenous wisdom like Belinda Eriacho and Dr. Joe Tafur. I was lucky enough to find a seat in the fully packed auditorium to listen to Bessel van der Kolk talk about throwing out the DSM, developing better models for healing, and how MDMA can increase efficacy in healing. After his talk Richard Schwartz, the inventor of Internal Family Systems, presented on the benefits of ketamine-assisted IFS therapy.
Other presentations I attended were of Carolyn “Mountain Girl” Garcia, the Women’s Visionary Congress, and listening to various elders of the movement speak. There were also presentations on gender-affirming care, integration of indigenous wisdom, and how to effectively research concepts of love and spirituality.
The studies that have been done on love and spirituality specifically show that these two facets are essential to having a healing breakthrough. That there is no healing without the two.
I am feeling inspired to conduct more professional research on this myself.
However, the conference as a whole seemed to miss this point completely. The tone of the conference shifted dramatically once the vendors opened their doors on Wednesday and the official start of the full conference began.
There seemed to be this overall energy of a breakneck pace, and an urgency that is typically fueled by a scarcity mindset. This was at least partially due to the fact that the conference organizers scheduled at least 5 sessions during the same time slot and even big names like van der Kolk and Schwartz had their sessions run up against each other. There was no time for transition, for example with one session ending at 11:30 am and the next one starting at exactly 11:30 am on the same stage.
The first time I really felt the heat from this was while I was part of a large group leaving one talk, which completely disrupted the next speaker. He began his presentation as we were shuffling out. His voice and energy trying to compete with the volume of the folks leaving the auditorium.
Unfortunately, there was much chaos and struggle during the transition between van der Kolk and Schwartz as well. Both of them being very well-known, the auditorium was packed, so much so that the fire marshal said those in the aisles and the doorway had to leave in order for Schwartz to talk. It was unsettling to hear folks arguing with the security staff while we waited 13 minutes for the presentation to start.
Once Schwartz was on the stage he admitted to us that some of his parts were activated from the intensity of that transition. He even asked the organizers for a bit more time in the end and ultimately was refused. Joe Tafur later took the stage and asked for some grace and breathing room as the energy in the convention was a bit quick and uneasy.
What I observed during this conference is what I observe every day in our society. There was a lack of intention, slowness, and care. A feeling of needing to push, consume, and rush permeated the entire conference space. I felt disheartened and a bit left behind, as a person who has found so much healing in psychedelics. Regardless, it is also not surprising.
Because psychedelics aren’t a magic bullet and they don’t heal people by consumption alone.
Meaning that just because folks are in the psychedelic landscape, even many of whom are therapists and researchers, does not mean they are healed from the ailments of our time.
One thing that was mentioned often by indigenous leaders throughout the week is this white supremacist mindset of a sense of urgency and scarcity. By utilizing these forces we push people into situations more quickly and recklessly than is necessary, or even healthy.
It was mentioned that especially for those of us who identify as white when we are made to feel guilty then we also rush ourselves to find solutions quickly. What I took from this is that because no one ever taught us how to sit with discomfort and allow the solutions to arise, we jump to “scratch the itch” so to speak. In the best-case scenario, we jump toward something with good intentions that generally misses the mark, in the worst-case scenario we fall for con artists and opportunists willing to exploit our grief.
I also interpreted this as a need to slow down and a capacity to feel our feelings. I was speaking with a friend I met at the conference and said that if we can see the solution in full, it likely isn’t the solution. I have learned in my life that we are co-creators, not dominators, of this reality. We have to allow ourselves, our systems, and our solutions to be living and dynamic. Anything that offers a solid and static forever solution is likely, not real.
Further, it became clear to me that decisions made purely from guilt will likely only produce solutions with that same energy imprint. Instead, we must be motivated by love. And love seems to have a slower pace.
Love isn’t motivated by a profit margin and it doesn’t seek perfection. It doesn’t exclude nor does it trample over.
When we choose to be loving to ourselves and others we pick what is most wholesome.
Another concept that arose last week was the idea of Deep Time. Often, we think about history as this short period that maybe starts with Egypt or Greece. In terms of psychedelics, it’s even shorter, beginning with the synthesis of these medicines in a lab during the 1930s.
However, the arc of human history is long and the use of psychedelics seems to be just as long.
There have been people who have used these medicines for millennia, successfully and safely. To deny the history of Deep Time we lose all the wisdom that comes with it. In some cases, we are reinventing the wheel, and in others, we are leaving out important data that can repair our minds, bodies, souls, and communities.
We also forget that, although our individual lives are short, we are part of a bigger whole. One that can benefit from our long-term view instead of our short-term alleviation of discomfort.
Over and over again, we were invited by presenters to connect back to our lineage in a time before we were colonized. For me, that includes some Mohawk heritage from here in North America, but I am predominantly of Western European descent. I have been finding a lot of strength and solace in tracing my indigenous roots back to the Germanic peoples and I’m excited to share more on that with you soon.
Why is this important and what does it have to do with my reflections on this conference?
Because it feels like there was a general tokenization of the indigenous and BIPOC leaders as well as the elders in the group. Having them there felt like lip service, as the flow of the entire conference felt more in service to commerce than healing.
Even the researchers who I listened to speak showed study after study that indicated spirituality is important for healing. That weeks of preparation and integration were essential to the proper use of these medicines. And that safe, long-term relationships are what facilitate healing.
The conference itself did not have space for bathroom breaks, moments of connection, or resourcing oneself. There was no overall intention that felt present besides a feeding frenzy. It was obvious that many are still aligned toward idol worship, as I experienced people much older than me with more medical credentials than me push me out of the way to have their moment with the more famous people.
Where was the intentional space for connection? To oneself, to each other, and whatever we believe is bigger than ourselves?
I will say that individual people did bring this energy to the conference. The spiritual leaders I sat in session with took time to breathe, ground, and sing spiritual songs. My friends mentioned in their liberation workshop that they were invited to eye gaze and connect deeply with others. Snow Raven had an incredible performance that invited us to connect to Spirit and more deeply with our own indigenous roots.
It was heartening to go see a researcher talking about love, and witnessing a room packed with others who care about this topic. As I entered the space I saw one seat open next to a man who saw me looking and he invited me to sit down. At one point, after listening to NN speak passionately about how we need more research around love, that same man turned toward me and sweetly whispered, “I could listen to her talk all day.” I agreed.
There was a time in my life when I would not have felt confident to share much of my experience, especially not this publicly. Psychedelics had been so healing for me that I didn’t want to risk others’ perceptions of these substances and the people that take them.
Over the past few years, though, I have started to take the longer view. I have realized that speaking to the places where we can do better is a form of love. It’s a call-in practice, rather than a call-out.
I have also learned that love doesn’t rush, so we mustn't rush ourselves. Or each other for that matter.
I have learned that meditation, yoga, connecting to the energy body, and chatting with spirit guides can help us open and relax. We can start to feel our union with the oneness of all things. From this place, we can make better and more loving decisions.
“Haste makes waste” has continually proven true in my life and I’ve found that shortcuts are never short, but in the end require more time. When I rush from point A to point B, I tend to lose my humanity and the humanity of others. Everyone becomes an object that is in my way, instead of a vast being with a whole universe of their own. Their emotions and well-being disappear, and so does our care for them.
All of this is to say, my biggest takeaway from the conference as a whole is interestingly different from what the most profound moments in individual sessions were.
We need smaller, slower, and more intimate places of connection.
There must be a commitment to making sure we are resourced and cared for before “rushing ahead.”
The practice of intention setting should be present everyday, and especially in places that are dedicated to healing.
Large =/= Good or Great.
Idolatry only robs us of our own greatness and forces us to miss the greatness of others.
Connection and community is what will heal us — not an event, place, person, or medicine.
What psychedelics showed me is that there is so much more to this reailty than what meets the eye, but that we must be open and present to really see it. They revealed to me my own divine nature and the nature of love which connects us all. I have been shown my own capacity to face life’s challenges and grow stronger because of them. I was taught that I could actually grow more loving and soft in the space of hardship. They helped me to develop and prusue a spiritual practice. Psychedelics helped me to slow down.
Joe Tafur mentioned in both of his talks that if we are coming back from a ceremony feeling more special than everyone else, more ravenous, and more inclined toward speed then the medicine didn’t work. He said that we should feel like we are more part of the whole, and understand our sacred place in this vast cosmos.
Coming home, I am exhausted and depleted. As an experienced festival goer and energy worker, I was surprised that my skills were outmatched by the intensity of the energy present. While I feel like I do have a clearer direction in where to go with my work, I can’t say that I necessarily feel more connected. Our systems need to be more supportive of the people, instead of the other way around.
Mostly what the conference taught me is that there is still a lot of work to do. But I am no longer daunted by this. I am here, I am on this planet at this time. I am full of love. And I am not going anywhere.
For as long as I am here, I will patiently and consistently be working toward the healing and care of all beings on this planet.
Wish I could heart this a hundred times. I am honored to be your friend and colleague and student.